


Leaving

by ice_hot_13



Category: Original Work
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-22
Updated: 2012-09-22
Packaged: 2017-11-14 19:24:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/518690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ice_hot_13/pseuds/ice_hot_13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron left to study in France, and Ryan's left behind in Vancouver.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leaving

 

            Ryan’s over Aaron.

            Maybe if it was May and not September, this would constitute moping over Aaron moving to France. Ryan was certainly miserable enough in May, although he only calls it misery four months later to try and forget how it really felt. He doesn’t want to remember how long it took him to stop expecting Aaron to text to hang out, the way he felt sick whenever he heard anyone speaking French, the day he stopped going to drop-in hockey because he couldn’t do it by himself. He doesn’t want to remember when Aaron told him about leaving, because that was pure disbelief that Aaron could ever go, and he doesn’t want to remember the day Aaron left, because Ryan cried every day for two weeks after that, hasn’t felt the same since.

            No, he’s not spending today upset over Aaron. He’s over Aaron; it’s September, Aaron’s off in fucking France doing his master’s degree he doesn’t need to be completed in French, and Ryan isn’t thinking about him. Ryan just broke up with his boyfriend – or whatever the hell they could be called, it’s hard to think of Logan as a boyfriend if Ryan could never really bring himself to care about – anything, really – but that’s what he’s upset about. He’s upset his boyfriend left him – except Logan didn’t, he asked if there was anything he could fix and Ryan just said no – that’s why he’s upset, because he’s not going to see Logan anymore, will miss hanging out with him and going places and playing hockey – rugby, not hockey, Logan couldn’t skate – and it’s not even Ryan’s fault he’s leaving – not leaving, Logan isn’t leaving – Ryan’s upset about Logan. That’s it. He isn’t with Logan anymore and he’s upset about it. Not – not anyone else.

            Someone knocks on the door while Ryan’s still sprawled on the couch, and he doesn’t really want to get it. Logan’s the only person who has the code to get into the building. He always comes over after Ryan breaks up with him; in the two months since they’ve met, this has happened five times already. Ryan never intends to get back together, but Logan comes back, says _want to hang out today_ and that alone would do nothing, but then he says _give me a chance,_ and Ryan’s wanted that for so long that he can’t deny it to someone else. Logan doesn’t want what Ryan did, they aren’t _dating,_ Ryan’s not exactly great at emotions – but all the same, Ryan’s spent years craving chances, and being able to give that to someone else – it’s both great and terrible, because it’s _easy,_ because he doesn’t mean it, because it shouldn’t have been so hard for Aaron to do it, too.

            Whatever, though. Ryan may as well let Logan convince him to hook up again, Ryan kind of – needs him, maybe, in that horrible way he hates, needs someone to be so far from what he wants that Ryan doesn’t think about what he’s lost anymore. Seeing Logan is like playing rugby – it’s not what he loves, but it’s what he throws himself into, because stepping onto the ice would destroy him.

            When there’s a knock at the door, Ryan goes to open it, nothing else to really do. He’s expecting Logan, but – but it’s not him, it’s _Aaron,_ he’s – he’s _right here._

            “What’re you doing here?” Ryan blurts out, too rattled to do anything but stare at him. Aaron smiles, and oh, God, how is he here, he was in France, lives there, what’s he _doing_ here?

            “I just – are you busy? I wanted to – I was hoping we could hang out?”

            “Why aren’t you in France?” Ryan asks, can’t get past this. He doesn’t _understand –_ they used to talk on facebook, that first month Aaron was gone, but Ryan just couldn’t do it anymore, even hid Aaron’s posts from his newsfeed. He just got so tired of dissolving into tears every time he saw Aaron post pictures of his school in France.

            “Summer semester is over,” Aaron says, but it still doesn’t make any sense.

            “Oh,”  Ryan says, can only blink at him and try to catch up. Summer semester is over – so – Aaron’s going to go back again?

            “And, I transferred? Back here?”

            “Oh.” So – Aaron’s back? He’s staying? Ryan just – can’t _comprehend_ this, Aaron just – just coming back like he was never gone, but he _was,_ he was gone for months and he wasn’t planning on coming back –

            “So, you free?” Aaron asks, sounds so hopeful, and Ryan’s never been able to say no to him.

            “I… yeah.”

            “Good,” Aaron says, as Ryan steps back to let him in, closes the door behind him. Suddenly, Aaron pulls him into a hug, just wraps his arms around Ryan and hugs him tight. It’s just – _oh,_ it’s so different, he’d almost forgotten how gentle Aaron is with him, lost among Logan’s rougher, less lingering touch. He’s thrown an arm over Ryan’s shoulders when they score in rugby, but he doesn’t hug Ryan, no one does like this. “I missed you,” Aaron says, and Ryan can’t even breathe.

            “Welcome back,” Ryan says, wants to cling to Aaron for so much longer than he can.

            “So, what’ve you been doing?” Aaron asks as he heads into the living room, takes his spot on the couch.

            “Same stuff, you know. Still work at the newspaper thing.” He’s probably supposed to ask how France was, but he just – doesn’t want to know, doesn’t want to be able to envision it at all. He sits by Aaron, doesn’t let himself scoot too close even though he just _really_ wants to.

            “Um, how come you transferred?” Ryan ventures, and he’s afraid of this answer, still feels like he _needs_ to know what’s important enough to make Aaron change his plans when Ryan couldn’t. Aaron wouldn’t stay for him; Ryan needs to know what can bring him all the way back.

            “Uh,” Aaron pauses, shrugs a shoulder, “it just – wasn’t working out there. I wanted to be back here.”

            “When’d you get back?”

            “A little while ago,” Aaron says, and Ryan frowns a little, looks away before Aaron can see it. “Like, nine this morning?”

            “Oh,” Ryan stammers out. He just – he doesn’t expect to be on that list, someone Aaron has to see the first day he gets back. It didn’t use to be like that, but maybe they were never the way Ryan thought, because he never thought Aaron would leave him.

            Someone knocks on the door, and this time, Ryan knows it must be Logan. “Who else has the cod-” Aaron starts, and before he can finish, Logan’s coming into the living room, always one to just walk in.

            “Sup, dude,” Logan says, grins at him, “ready to give me another chance – oh,” he stops when he spots Aaron, arches an eyebrow. Aaron sits up and looks over the back of the couch, and frowns at the sight of Logan, but it’s not like they’ve ever met before. Ryan can’t actually think of anyone Aaron doesn’t like – well, there was that guy he beat up when they were in high school for crosschecking Ryan, but that doesn’t really count – and he can’t imagine why Aaron’s suddenly all-but glowering at Logan. “Well, guess that’s out, then,” Logan signs.

            “What?” Ryan looks up at him, frowning. He’d always thought dating someone would be different, that he’d want to be with them and kiss them all the time and want _everything,_ and he’s just – not felt like that, with Logan. He can look at Logan and feel nothing, and he’s never known what to think about that.

            “So, you must be Aaron,” Logan says, and Aaron looks at him, clearly confused.

            “Uh, yeah.”

            “From the France thing.”

            “Yeah…”

            “Well,” Logan looks back to Ryan, “guess I’ll be seeing you after he leaves again.” He – he knows? He can’t know, Ryan’s never told him about it, always refused. People always ask Ryan about Aaron, how he’s doing, what he’s up to, and once, Logan said _so, Aaron, ex boyfriend?_ and all Ryan could say was _no, we used to be friends,_ and _stop talking about him._

            “Logan,” Ryan tries, can’t put much conviction into it.

            “I’m not blind,” Logan says, this odd emphases on the _I’m_ as he casts a look at Aaron. “See you,” he adds lightly, starts for the door. Ryan jumps up and follows, catches him as he’s opening the front door.

            “Dude, what the fuck,” he hisses, and Logan arches an eyebrow.

            “What? Text me whenever, okay?” He gives Ryan the look he’s come to recognize, says _about to kiss you,_ and Ryan steps away. “See you.” He heads off down the hall, and Ryan shuts the door behind him.

            “Ryan?” Aaron says, as Ryan comes back to the living room, “what’d he mean?”

            “He didn’t mean anything.” Ryan sinks back down on the couch, doesn’t look at Aaron because he knows he’ll give up anything if Aaron looks at him right.

            “ _Ryan,”_ Aaron stresses, and then he’s scooting over, touches Ryan’s arm to make him look over. “I just – _please,_ Ry,” he says, and Ryan _missed_ this, missed his gentle tone and Aaron        

            “We- dated. On and off,” he says, but this just makes Aaron’s frown deepen, worry on his face.

            “But – he doesn’t – ”

            “Doesn’t _what.”_ Ryan doesn’t _want_ to defend Logan, barely even likes him, but at least Logan’s here, at least he comes back every time Ryan pushes him away, and Aaron – he _left._ He may be better than Logan in every other way, but that is one difference between them that _hurts._

            “He’s not right for you,” Aaron says. Ryan clenches his teeth, looks away.

            “So? Like you can even tell, you’ve been gone all summer.”

            “I _can,_ Ryan, and he doesn’t want you the right way,” Aaron’s so _concerned_ when he says this, and all he’s saying is _he doesn’t want you,_ and – and Ryan’s just so fucking tired of not being wanted, why doesn’t Aaron _want_ him? He wishes he had the words to beg Aaron to drop it, too afraid he’ll burst into tears if he opens his mouth. “Why do you want him?” Aaron asks, voice impossibly gentle.

            “I- because-” he tries to say, rubs his hand over his eyes, struggles to fight tears, “I don’t,” he says weakly, the words faltering. Maybe Aaron won’t be able to tell.

            “Ry,” Aaron touches his shoulder, so fucking gentle, and this, of all things, is what makes Ryan nearly start to cry, because Aaron was _gone_ and now he’s back, telling Ryan _he doesn’t want you,_ the only thing Ryan ever knows for sure.

            “It doesn’t _matter,_ okay? What do you even care who I date, you moved to _France,_ not what a person who _cares_ does,” Ryan all-but snaps.

            “But I came back,” Aaron says, this tone that makes Ryan look over, and he just – just doesn’t understand, the crushed look on Aaron’s face. “Fuck, Ryan, when I saw that you got with that guy-” Ryan doesn’t know what to expect, maybe shock that he didn’t tell Aaron sooner, maybe Aaron thinks he has bad taste. “I came back,” Aaron says quietly.

            “Wait – what?” Could he – he can’t be the reason, Ryan just – isn’t. Aaron was able to leave him; he can’t be the reason Aaron came home.

            “I just – I hated it, okay? I hated you being with someone who wasn’t good enough for you, and I fucking missed you all summer and you stopped talking to me and I couldn’t take it anymore, and then I see your dating this – guy, and-” he stops suddenly, the rattling panic cut off with silence, and Aaron looks at Ryan like he expects Ryan to understand.

            “And what, you expect me to check with you whenever I date someone?”

            “You could’ve _told_ me you were gay!”

            “Yeah, I fucking could’ve, and when, exactly? Right after you told me you were _leaving?”_ It feels like maybe they’re fighting, but it just feels like breaking, and Aaron doesn’t seem mad, seems inexplicably hurt, and Ryan doesn’t _get_ it, this second side of what’s going on that he’s never encountered.

            “I was always coming back,” Aaron says, abruptly softer, “I just – thought I needed to be – away, for a while, but it obviously didn’t work, if the second I saw that I came running back.”

            “So this is about not trusting me on my own, or what?”

            “ _Fuck,_ Ry,” Aaron bursts out, and it’s somehow so caring, the breath of Ryan’s name like a plea, “it’s about me being stupid over you, that’s what it’s _about,_ and how I can’t stand to see you date guys who don’t want you!”

            “So? What’s that matter to you?”

            “It matters because _I would!”_ Aaron says, but Ryan doesn’t even _understand._ Is this just Aaron telling him he isn’t wanted? Because Ryan fucking _knows that._ He _noticed,_ right around the time he realized he was in love with Aaron and that being wanted back just wasn’t going to happen for him.

            “You’d what, date people that want you? Fucking good for you, maybe we don’t all have that goddamn option,” Ryan says, and he wants to be angry, but he just breaks down in tears. He flinches in surprise when he feels Aaron hug him, pull him close. Ryan buries his face against Aaron’s shoulder, draws in a shuddering breath. Aaron holding him doesn’t help so much as make it worse, everything Ryan wants, won’t have.

            “You do, though, you deserve way better,” Aaron says softly, hugs him tight, “okay? I can promise that.”

            “You really can’t,” Ryan sniffles. God, he never wants Aaron to let go of him, how has Aaron been gone four months? How did Ryan even live through that? It’s no fucking wonder he’s a disaster now. And fuck, what is he even _doing?_ Ryan goes to pull away, but Aaron doesn’t let him, rubs his hand over Ryan’s shoulder until Ryan relaxes back against him a little.

            “Can so, because – because I want you, okay? So there’s always at least one person that does.”

            “But you don’t,” Ryan stammers, lifts his head to look at Aaron, who blushes, drops his gaze. Does Aaron – has he – always – does he _want_ Ryan? Is there really that chance, that Ryan might have the only thing he wants? Oh, please, _please -_

            “Ryan, I dropped everything to come home just because I saw you were with someone else, and I’d do even more. ‘S why I left, to – to try and forget about wanting you so much, or at least learn to get a handle on it so we could still be friends.” Aaron bites his lip, glances tentatively at him. “I’m sorry,” he says, hands suddenly going so still, like he isn’t sure he’s still allowed to be holding Ryan.

            “He’s nothing like you,” Ryan says, and Aaron sighs.

            “I noticed.”

            “It’s because – if someone was, I’d be just – comparing, and no one would come close.”

            “Fuck, Ry,” Aaron breathes, and then, then he’s leaning in to press their lips together, kisses Ryan the gentlest Ryan’s ever known. “I didn’t think anyone else would know what to do with you,” Aaron whispers, “no one else could ever be gentle enough or care enough, I’d never trust anyone else with you.”

            “But I always had you to come back to,” Ryan says, and it’s just so true; on the other side of every bad thing that’s ever happened, he’s had Aaron to make him forget, make it better, remake the world for him.

            “Thank God you did.” Aaron cups Ryan’s face in his hands, kisses him again, “just – stay with me this time, please? I won’t ever leave if I’m allowed to stay.”

            “Promise.”

            Years ago, they were sitting on a bench waiting to be picked for teams, and when Ryan said _what if no one wants me,_ Aaron said _I’ll always want you, so don’t worry,_ and now, Ryan understands – this is a promise Aaron has always kept, will always make to him, something Ryan can always count on, because Aaron’s always going to want him. Aaron only left to come back to him, and here he is again, back for good now that he knows Ryan always wants him to stay.

 


End file.
